We got away for a little visit to St. Augustine to celebrate our 27th Anniversary. We began talking about the things we learned over those years and decided they might be worthwhile to share with others. So here we go…
DRUMROLL please!
#1: Decide early if it’s more important to be right or more important to be in a right relationship. We spent ALOT of our first two years arguing–we are both the babies in our families and were used to getting our way. Now we know what a waste of time that was–it is not important to always be right.
#2: Your partner came into your relationship with habits–learn to accept them because you sure aren’t going to change them. No really, don’t keep wasting your time!
#3: Spend time together often–even if it’s doing things you’d rather not do. (This may include shopping at thrift stores, or making repairs around the house. ) Consider it an investment in your relationship.
#4: Laugh at yourselves! Oh my goodness at the funny things we have done over the years! Sometimes we just sit around as a family and laugh at all stories/problems we’ve encountered.
#5: Pray together. We wish we had done this more often in our early years because we now know the benefits of praying for family, friends, and those in need.
#6: Share your hopes and dreams with one another. You may end up going places or doing things you never thought about before just because you were brave enough to be real with one another.
#7: Make a realistic budget TOGETHER and stick to it! (Side note from Julie- I wish I had bought into this plan earlier in our marriage. It wasn’t until I took a Crown Financial Money Management Class that I discovered that every dollar has a purpose. Invest your time in a class–get on the same page with a budget and invest in your financial future.) Crown Financial or Dave Ramsey are both great programs to check out.
#8: Sex begins in the Kitchen (Side note from Ben: I read this book by Dr. Kevin Leman. It helped me realize that foreplay for women begins way before the bedroom.)
#9: Invest in learning about how to make your marriage stronger. Read books, go to conferences together, spend time with couples who have a remarkable marriage, and get good Biblical counseling when needed. We have done all of these things at some time in our marriage because we are human and have needed help. Chances are–you might have some areas that need improving.
#10: Keep dating! There were years when we couldn’t afford childcare so we created a babysitting co-op with friends and traded baby sitting. It was so worth it–date nights are necessary for your sanity, romance, and remembering why you got married in the first place.
#11: Don’t Go to Bed ANGRY! (Julie’s side note: My dad gave us this advice before we got married. We have worked really hard to not do this. We were having a great argument one night and we both stayed up fuming until 2 o’clock in the morning. Ben proudly got up and said, ” 16 years ago we vowed to not go to bed angry so I’m moving to the living room till we get this settled.” I waited a few minutes and then walked into the living room and said, “15 years ago–you got the wrong year.” We both started laughing and made up. But seriously–that one piece of advice has helped us not hold a grudge and get on with living.
#12: Fight fairly: Focus on the problem not the person. This is the person you vowed to love and cherish–so leave name calling and hurtful speech out of an argument. Avoid using “always” and “never”, focus on how something makes you feel and express that to your mate. 9 times out of 10 just letting someone know how you feel helps clear up an issue. And if you feel the urge to throw a shoe–aim wide!
#13: Make an assumption. This is the one time in your life when it’s good to make an assumption. When your feelings are hurt by your mate, make a positive assumption that it was just a misunderstanding or miscommunication rather than an intentional attempt to hurt you.
#14: Look for a hobby you both enjoy. We’ve only recently discovered that we both enjoy wood working together. The best part is that even though we each have our own ideas of how the project should be completed, we do manage to work it out together. (Side note from Julie: Who knew a big, powerful saw could be so scary and exciting all at the same time? I’m challenging you to discover a power tool.)
#15: Keep learning new things about your spouse. Someone once told us to always “study” your spouse. What does this mean? Pay attention to the things they like and don’t like, discover their favorites, ask them questions to surprise them with something special–for no reason at all. Side note from Julie: I love flowers–but not for an important event. I’d rather Ben get me a beautiful bouquet on a random Tuesday then to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
#16: Travel together–often! We love the excitement and the adventure of traveling. Over the years we have certainly made our way around some of the United States and to a few places around the world. Ben loves the planning part of the trip and I love to throw in the spontaneous moments–even if you find yourself lost behind a huge shopping center in China, and you discover that this is the “real” China with open shopping markets, freshly butchered meat hanging for purchase, and hundreds of precious Chinese faces looking at these 2 Americans with a Chinese baby girl wondering where we came from. Traveling always provides you with challenges to conquer, people to meet, cultures to explore, and beautiful places to visit.
#17: Give financially to benefit others. Over the years we have learned the joy of giving. There have been times when we haven’t had much to give, and there have been times when we have been able to give more, but the outcome was the same–we always feel pure joy when we are able to help meet the needs of others. Chances are you will too and so will the people you help.
#18: Serve together. Find a place in your community, your church, your neighborhood, or in another country and spend time serving others together. Not only are you meeting a need, but you are also making memories. If you have children, include them as early as possible and they will grow up learning it’s important to “give back” by serving others.
#19: Take your marriage vows seriously. 27 years ago we stood before my daddy who officiated, and vowed to love, honor, and cherish each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health till death do us part. These words have great meaning–but we certainly had no idea of the depth of each of those words when we first got married. 27 years later we have lived through each of those situations, we now KNOW what it means to stick together when there are the good times and the not-so-good times, in years when the money has been plentiful, and the years when the money was scarce, experiencing the fragility of life through an illness, and celebrating the healthy years, until death.
#20: Stay committed in sickness and health. I felt like I really needed to emphasize this one vow because we have been living this one for the past 2 years. Did you know that 75% of marriages end in divorce during/after a chronic illness? Our doctors, nurses, heck even the lady who cleaned my room in the hospital when I had my fun blood clot/code blue vtach 15 day stay told us that we were the lucky ones that stayed together. Our doctor shared that it was common for a mate to get diagnosed, and that somewhere in the battle, the partner would leave. Y’all–I CAN NOT EVEN IMAGINE IT! My husband has been a gift for me. Because of his job as a computer consultant at the time, he never missed a doctor app’t, chemo treatment, hospital stay, he was with me every step of the way. In fact, I know that I have been blessed with someone who took that vow seriously, because it has not been easy for either of us to go through the trials of a chronic illness, but we are stronger today as a couple because we made it through.
#21: Create your own family traditions. Early in our marriage we began to blend our family traditions from our childhood days. Along the way we discovered the fun of creating “new” family traditions. Some of our favorites are not even tied to a holiday. Here are just a few of our favorites: 1–Movie marathons–getting out air mattresses, keeping our pajamas on, eating popcorn and watching an entire series of movies like “Lord of the Rings”, “Harry Potter”, “Star Wars” over the course of 2 days, 2–Opening Christmas Pajamas on Christmas Eve, 3–Breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, 4–A new puzzle every fall usually around Thanksgiving, 5–SEC Football on Saturdays in the fall(Georgia and Auburn specifically), 6–Camping trips in tents
#22: Be vulnerable with your partner. Anyone considering getting married—stop right now and ask yourself this question—Can I be REAL with the person I’m considering marrying? If you can’t answer that with a big “Yes” — do not get married. I’m serious–this is the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, it better be the person you can talk about anything with and know that you are safe. Just saying!
#23: Make your spouse a priority over your children. Ok–don’t take this one out of context. Of course there are times you need to put your kids before your spouse, but what I’m talking about it not living a kid-centered life. You and your spouse will still be together long after the last child leaves for their future, so spend time pouring into your relationship. Get excited when y’all get back together after a day away–talk about your day, engage with each other–Umm, need I say put down the phone?
#24: Find ways to say “I Love You” that doesn’t always include sex. Of course great sex is one way of saying “I love you”, but it’s very important to show it a 100 different other ways too! Here’s just few ways that communicate “I Love You”: snuggle together with no intentions other than a good snuggle, hugs and kisses before leaving for work, a good back scratch/massage, writing a note on the mirror, a warm towel for when they get out of the shower, gratitude for anything, bringing them their favorite snack or drink, be willing to share the load at home, take a strolling walk and hold hands, take them out on a surprise date, and go for a drive together–to no where in particular!
#25: Keep your “stuff” between you and your spouse. I’m not great about this sometimes, but you really do fair better if you keep your arguments, complaints, etc. just between yourselves. Something we learned at a conference one time was when you are aggravated with your spouse write it down, and then write down their good qualities too! Remember that they are not all bad–they do have redeeming qualities.
#26: Pretend you are in Pre-K–Keep Playtime Alive! Every once in a while do something silly–dance in the living room to some good ole 80’s music, turn your music up in your car, roll the windows down and sing out loud, run through the sprinklers, draw with side walk chalk with your grands, etc. Keep the fun alive in your home! Ben and I realized that we need to do more of these things. We had lost some of our fun due to the seriousness of my illness, but now that I’m feeling good most of the time and while I am still healing we need to intentionally bring some more silly back to our home.
#27: Drink coffee together every morning. Okay-It doesn’t have to be coffee, but up until my illness 2 years ago we have had the ritual of having a small amount of “our time” over a cup of coffee in the morning. It’s a great way to begin your day and make sure you are on the same page.
We obviously don’t have this marriage thing mastered, but we do enjoy our life together. I’m so very thankful that we said “I DO!” 27 years ago and I’m glad that we stayed together through some really rough times AND through a lot of normal routine times AND through some great I can’t believe we get to do this times AND through all the other ups and downs!
I hope we get to learn even more about each other, and I pray we get to keep doing life together for a really long time!
