Time to Change

Have you ever reached the moment when you KNEW–it was time for a change? A real transformation.

The day your excuses no longer even sounded legit to your own ears?

I’ve had a few of those moments in my life. Have you?

One of those changes came early when we were parenting (or trying to parent) three busy, creative, WILD young boys. We were in over our heads and we needed change in our lives. We started down a path of discovery about parenting. We researched, studied, and started implementing many of the ideas and thoughts behind the books, “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster Cline and Jim Fay and “Making Kids Mind Without Losing Yours” by Dr. Kevin Leman. They are both based on kids accepting responsibility for their actions and it requires both parents to be involved and to work towards consistency. It took us a while, but eventually, we saw changes–in all of us! Ben and I were less crazy and angry at their behaviors. We eventually made it to talking calmly and responding calmly and helping them figure out how to solve their problems.

We did ok again as parents until we adopted 2 non-English speaking older children. Then the crazy ensued again! For obvious reasons–cause we had a huge language barrier, and because these two sweet peas had extra baggage that we even are just now discovering how to slowly work with and they have been with us for over 9 years. This time it has required therapists, counseling for us and them, more research, discovery, and learning through online classes with a psychologist who parents 13 children with his wife–some biological and most adopted or foster children. We discovered a whole new way of parenting for the ones who have trauma in their background. We discovered after being parents for 20+ years, we were clueless as to how to parent children with trauma.

We are changing yet again.

And it’s not easy. Sometimes the chaos seems ok because it’s what you have learned to live with. But then the day arrives when you realize there has to be something better–but you are just not sure how to get to the “better”.

This need for change can rear its head in any area of our lives…money management (or lack of money management), health/physical concerns, relationships, spiritual growth, political views, relationships at work, or a job change necessary for sound mental health.

How do we face these giants in our lives?

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” —C.S. Lewis

Are you struggling in some area of your life?

What can you do? Where do we turn?

Proverbs 18:15 (ESV) says, “An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” Proverbs 4:7 (ESV) tells us. “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.”

1. Ask for WISDOM. Once you realize you have a problem–start trying to find answers. We went to those who had already walked in our shoes. We asked for advice from other parents, and we researched for information we knew had to exist until we found help. God will not leave you helpless–he will lead you to the answers you need. Pray for the specific wisdom you need for your situation. James tells us that if we lack wisdom simply ask God. He is bigger than any problem we face.
2. Be PERSISTENT. Don’t give up before you see results. If you are alive, you still have hope for change. I have never been a part of any life change that did not hurt–either due to loss of habits or requirements of new behaviors.

She changed, but not overnight like in the books you read. Over years. Slowly and painfully. Sometimes brutally. But she did. –Author Unknown

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (ESV)

3. Celebrate your SUCCESSES. I believe the biggest obstacle to permanent change is not seeing results quickly and/or having a regression. We want the least resistant, quickest method to solving our problems, but this is not realistic. Change is slow, annoying, and usually requires a loss of something before you get results. UGH!! Right??? Who wants to sign up for that plan? This is why it is crucial to celebrate the successes! Over and over until the new behavior is the norm! Sometimes the celebration comes from praise and words of encouragement. But the long-term success of a change of habit deserves a little bit bigger reward. This is time to get creative.

Recently, we celebrated some positive changes Hannah had made in combination with her Christmas present. It was a pretty big celebration. She had been asking for a bedroom make-over and we were happy to do this because she has been doing the hard things with therapy and changing some not-so-good habits. We thought a fresh start was the perfect gift for Christmas. So after the holidays, we got to work painting, re-making, and redecorating. Of course this included shopping at our favorite thrift stores, ordering a few things online and buying paint at Lowe’s. We love the make-over and believe it or not—this sparked a few positive changes in a much cleaner room and a teenager who is beginning to feel worthy and content in her own skin!

Awe change is good! Umm . . . in the end anyways!

P.S. Nothing changes if nothing changes.