Package = Tears?

Ok, so I know you are wondering what the what. How does a package = tears? I’ll get there in a moment.

But first, let me be a little vulnerable and real with you.

Our family has been experiencing the “crazy” in the shadows. In March I alluded to a crisis we experienced with one of our girls. It was bad, awful, heart-wrenching and just plain unbelievable. Then in early June one of our other daughters made a choice that has disrupted our family and we have spent many days and nights dealing with the stress over her decision. At the end of June our last daughter experienced something that while she played an innocent part in it, the other was thrust upon her and we have been dealing with the fallout of other people’s crazy.

Maybe one day we will join forces and write their stories, but for today you will just need to trust me when I say that this Agee household has not been free from stress. Oh, we have had some great days since the end of March, but we have had our share of scared, angry, ugly, hurting, and just not pretty days too. Somewhere in-between my March cancer scan and my July cancer scan we have lived our share of “not fun”. When I was telling all the details to my oncologist–he just looked at me in disbelief. I wanted to say “join the club” that’s how I’ve been looking too!

So are you still wondering about that package?

Back in March you may remember that we took an RV photography trip. A couple of days before we left I broke my favorite lens that I shoot with. Last week my hubby ordered me another lens. We couldn’t find a brand new one for less than $400, so he decided to get one that was refurbished. Well it arrived on Saturday–I was so excited. I got it out the box, put it on my camera and …… it doesn’t work correctly. It acts like it is struggling to move. It’s an automatic focus lens with a built in motor. It’s supposed to be quick and smooth–not so much for this one. It kind of sluggishly moves to the focus spot. Not exactly a good plan for taking pictures.

I would love to say that I held it together and thought “oh well”.

But I did not.

I did what every other normal 49 year old woman would do–I went to my closet sat on the floor and cried buckets of tears. Tears for my girls and their situations, tears for own body that is still not back to normal and tears for another broken camera lens.

I just let it out.

Then I sat there and held my legs up tight against my chest and just stayed still.

I waited in the stillness. I couldn’t even pray at that moment.

I was just like my camera lens–broken.

It wasn’t long before I could feel the peace that only comes from Jesus start to penetrate my soul. I could feel that sweet peace begin to take over the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the fear, the shattered dreams, the ugliness of life. None of these situations are a quick fix, in fact, I have no control on how long these situations might take to be healed, repaired, or stopped.

But do you want to know what I am learning to do? Keep putting back at the feet of Jesus. (Yes, I said keep putting it back because I keep trying to “fix” it, when it’s not mine to fix.) I am struggling to learn this very hard lesson that requires me to wait and watch.

Maybe some of you are like me–trying to hold your “stuff” together until you just can’t any more. Maybe some of you are going through your own “crazy” right now. Maybe you are a little broken in places too.

Maybe I can encourage you a little bit.

You may need to release some of your own tears in a closet. Believe it or not, I actually felt better when I was finished crying it out. There are studies that say shedding a few tears is actually healthy for our bodies. When we cry, our body lowers our blood pressure and heart rate. It also produces endorphins which helps you to calm down and relax. So maybe you need a little crying therapy.

Remember too–that you are not alone–we all have broken areas of our lives. Try being a little vulnerable with someone you can trust and share your thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t do any good to hold onto your emotions, because if you do one day you will explode on some poor unexpectant soul–and that would be ugly.

But don’t stay there. Don’t stay in the “Woe is Me” box. When the tears are over–get still before Jesus and let his peace wash over you.

Then, get up out of that closet, and keep trusting in the one that knows the end game to all of our situations.

And if you need to–keep giving it back to Him, until you can let Him take over completely. He will. He rejoices with us when we trust Him enough with “our stuff”.