Fear or Trust? Psalm 56:3

I’m going to have to be very REAL with you today. I made the vlog last week on Tuesday morning and by Tuesday evening the fiery darts started coming. Little by little over about a 48 hour period that “perfect peace” that I spoke about slowly slipped away. Over the course of 5 days my emotions fluctuated between hurt, anger, disbelief, and trust in God. I would lay the situation down at the feet of Jesus and then pick it back up.

Over and over!

Finally on Saturday evening, Ben and I thought we had finally reached what we thought would be our reasonable response and we went to bed. The only problem is that we were reacting out of fear not faith and trust in Jesus.

I know–there is great irony since I have just finished writing a book about trusting in Jesus.

But wouldn’t you rather know the truth? That I am completely human and still growing in my trust journey.

On Sunday morning we went to church at our home church, Altamaha Baptist Church. We are having a month-long revival service every Sunday morning. The service began with worship songs that all pointed to trusting God. Then the guest pastor started preaching, and Ben, Hannah, and I started laughing in our seats, because wouldn’t you know it, he was preaching about trusting in God when you are struggling with a hard situation in your life.

STOP IT! Really! Are you chuckling yet?

So even though I don’t know how God is going to handle my fears, or the situation, my heart is back in the mode of trusting Jesus and the peace has returned.

Today, I want to share with you from another dark place in my life. Our first visit to Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, FL. Todays book sharing is coming from Chapter 3.

Dr. Collins was a very intelligent doctor with an excellent bedside manner.  He asked very detailed questions and listened well as we described what little we knew.  He took down numerous notes, then he performed a brief exam of my body.  The conversation took a serious turn as he began to tell me of the reality of what we knew.  Based on the information he had, he thought it may be stomach cancer that had metastasized to my pelvic and abdominal regions.  All indications pointed to it possibly being stage 4.  We began to discuss what tests needed to be performed immediately with or without insurance.  Then we discussed what procedures would need to take place in the order of necessity.  During this discussion he had used the phrase, “This is very worrisome.”  By the time he said it for the 3^rd time, I lost my “holding it together” and broke out into a major ugly cry with snot and all.  It was more than I could deal with, it almost felt like I was being given a death sentence.  Of course, he was discussing treatment, and possibly giving me some time, but faced with so many unknowns, he knew that my blood test results were showing abnormalities, and the report from biopsies in Honduras was not promising. 

I was scheduled for a CT scan the next day, and chemo to begin within two days.

Twenty-two days before I had not heard of the words tumor, cancer, metastasized, in reference to myself.  Now all these words were rushing around in my mind and it was not looking like there was going to be a positive outcome for my story.  Honestly, I left that visit with a sense of fear, and hopelessness.  I got into the car with Ben, and I lost it again.  Tears just kept streamed down my face.  I remember asking him if we needed to plan my funeral.  He looked at me and simply said, “This did not surprise God.”  I immediately felt so relieved.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I knew it deep down, but I was focusing on the information that was being presented. Don’t you love it when others speak wisdom when you are focused on the circumstances?  I was so grateful to hear those words.  I realized that Ben was speaking the truth while I had been focused on factual information.  But y’all there is a huge difference between God’s truth and man’s factual information.

In my humanity, I had lost the focus on what was most important.  God was not surprised by any of this information.  He never is because God is sovereign, and He knows every detail of our being and yet He allows these horrific moments to engulf our life and strip us back to the most basic of places.  The place of complete surrender of our lives to God’s will.  This would be the very basis for my mental battle ahead.  I needed to prepare myself for the most challenging part of any health crisis which is the mental challenge.  Surrender and trust, these were going to become my mantra.  I surrender my will and I fully trust in your plan. 

What wonderful words! Too bad I allowed my humanity to push out God’s truths again. The good news is—I didn’t camp out in the fear for too long, and I am again walking in his peace and trust.

And so can you.

If you need reminding, get into God’s word, go worship with other brothers and sisters in Christ, and take the steps necessary to look at the facts, but focus on the One who is bigger than the facts!