Restoration

res·to·ra·tion: noun The action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition.

We spent our Saturday restoring a well used bed frame we found on the marketplace for $95 and a dresser we acquired last year and are finally getting around to repairing. Both of these pieces needed a little love and lots of time to get them looking beautiful like they once did. While we didn’t keep their original stain and decided to go with a fresh coat of paint, they both now look gorgeous in their refurbished condition.

Sometimes in life our relationships need restoration just like the furniture in our house. In our case, the restoration we’ve been going through has been with one of our children. It’s taken time, it’s been difficult, painful and oh so necessary for this mama’s heart.

In our situation the perfect storm came about after a family crisis occurred. To be quite honest, we found ourselves walking through a painful situation, we were tense and stressed at home and our adult child was at the same time feeling the need for some adult space and freedom, which was a normal need, but bad timing. During this collision of wants and needs, feelings were hurt, both sides didn’t listen fully, and anger ensued.

One day we woke up and thought that we were having a pretty good day to end up feeling like our world had fallen apart and that we pretty much sucked as parents.

Ever been there?

The only problem with adult kids is that they can do things preschoolers can’t. If they decide to leave in anger, you can’t very well fake them out like we did when they were little and got mad and told us they were going to run away. We stopped more than one child by saying, “That’s fine you can run away but you are leaving the house like you came into the world–naked and money-less.” Not one of our kids challenged that deal.

But adult kids are a whole other breed–they have money, they have jobs, and they have cars. So when and if the crazy series of events happens that leads to them moving out in the heat of an argument–there is nothing you can do to prevent that from happening.

That’s where we found ourselves in June.

One empty bed. One less person at supper. One less hug at night before bed.

Honestly, we didn’t know quite what to do with our emotions, they were running wild. We were angry, we were hurt, we were devastated.

Truthfully, it got worse before it got better.

We had to put some boundaries in place, and it was not easy, but it was necessary. We tried to reach out several times, but something we’ve learned is that sometimes most times things don’t work out like we think they should. Sometimes people need time to figure things out, to process their “stuff” and deal with the fallout of their actions.

You want to know something? There’s nothing you can do about it. (You are welcome. I just saved you one session of counseling.)

But oh sweet Jesus and time are a powerful combination. Do you know what we did every night during the 4 months of separation? We prayed for our daughter. We prayed for Jesus to be working behind the scenes when we couldn’t see anything happening. We thanked Him for loving her more than we do, and we thanked Him for how He was going to work out all of the details.

Some days I cried, some days I was aggravated, some days I chose to be neutral, and others I was able to find peace in the situation.

Things did start making a turnaround with me when I began seeing a counselor. I was able to begin looking at the situation with an outside person who could give me a pretty good prospective on how to deal with my own “stuff”, and how to try to look at the events from my daughter’s perspective.

I began to have more days of peace and trust in God working in the heart of my daughter, because I really internalized that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of the situation. All I could do was to reach out to her, let her know we were available when she wanted to reconnect, and wait on God to do the rest.

You know what? He did. During those months of living through the unknown, He was at work in her heart.

Almost two weeks ago, she called her dad and invited us over for supper to talk. We went. She prepared us a delicious meal and we made small talk while we ate. After supper she began to tell us all of her hurts and anger, and we listened without saying a word. We just let her share. (Before going to counseling, I don’t know that I would have accomplished that. But I was truly able to listen to her and acknowledge her feelings without anger on my part.) Then we realized that most of her anger was based on miscommunication or misunderstanding on one or both of our parts. After sharing back with her and clearing up the intentions behind our behavior, we felt like we had managed to explain our heart. We all apologized for our mistakes and we were able to begin reconnecting.

The restoration process is messy. It doesn’t happen on any one person’s timetable. It takes all parties involved to be “all in”. You have to be willing to admit to your own faults, and be willing to listen to each other without trying to be the winner.

Restoration in a relationship is not easy, but it is worth it.

The truth is that we have created an environment to continue the restoration. We will still have to work on listening to one another, and truly hearing what the other person is saying. We will have to continue to let our adult child spread her wings and become the lady that God intends for her to be.

And you know what? This time of restoring our relationship may not always be pretty or without conflict, but we are building the foundation for a lifetime of friendship.

2 Corinthians 13:11 says this about restoration, “Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”

Nothing better to say but “Yes, and amen” to those words.

P.S. I just wanted to you to know that my daughter gave me permission to share this blog today.